


100 Letters

by visions_of_gideon



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Sanvers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 05:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13827168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visions_of_gideon/pseuds/visions_of_gideon
Summary: This is my first fic I've ever written and it was inspired by Halsey's song, 100 letters. I suggest listening to the song while reading this. I guess you can say this is my way of filling the void of not seeing Maggie's side of the breakup unfold and a fix-it fic to help me heal. Hope you guys like it. Please let me know your thoughts on here, or on twitter (@siqqsnaps).





	100 Letters

“What is this, Maggie?” Alex asked as she opened the door further to let Maggie in her apartment. She looks down to a box of letters. Almost a hundred of them she thought to herself. She watches Maggie walk in towards the windows to put enough distance between them. Maggie looked outside the window before turning around. Snow had fallen for the first time outside and the fire was the only warmth this home has felt in a long time. Alex and Maggie were not together. They haven’t been in such a long time.

 

“They’re letters. Letters I wrote to you when you left me. Thoughts that I couldn’t keep to myself and feelings I couldn’t dare tell you. So I wrote them down thinking it would help mend my pain. It did for a while, and then I couldn’t stop writing you. It made me feel close to you even though we were so far from what we once were.” Maggie responded as she leaned on Alex’s wall. She wasn’t sure if this was a mistake, letting Alex read these letters, but Maggie needed Alex to understand why she can’t just start over, not yet at least. “I gave you everything. When you broke up with me, I had no one. Our friends chose you. I had no family. I was completely lost. We had a future planned together and you took that away from me. From us. If you want me to give you a chance again, you need to read these letters. I need you to.” 

 

Alex nodded and let out a deep breath. “Maggie…You wrote a hundred letters just for me?” Alex got up and tried to touch Maggie’s arm. Alex felt so guilty. This was all her fault and she couldn’t stop thinking about Maggie in their time spent apart. It tore her apart to think about the pain she had caused her.

 

“Don’t.” Maggie said, taking Alex’s hand off of her and makes her way back towards the door. “Read these letters and call me when you’re done. We’ll talk. But I can’t promise you anything, Alex.”

 

And just like that, Maggie left her apartment. Alex felt the cold come through as the door shut behind Maggie. She fell back onto the couch with the box of letters—a hundred letters—in her lap.  The letters were all folded neatly and numbered in chronological order from when Maggie started writing them. Alex shuffled through the letters and found letter #1. She held it in her hand thinking how afraid she was of what these letters might hold but she was dying to know how Maggie felt all this time. It’s been two years.

 

 

> **November 6, 2017**
> 
> Letter #1
> 
>  
> 
> I loved you at first sight, confident, beautiful, accomplished.  When I looked at you, I saw everything I wanted then, and without knowing, everything I wanted for the future. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. 
> 
>  
> 
> You were my light in the dark and the one that made me smile when I was down. You picked me up when I was broken and made sure that every single piece of me was put back together, and then you kept on loving me.
> 
>  
> 
> You loved and you loved and you loved and I loved you back with everything I had. You were my first of a lot of things. The first person I bared my soul to, the first person I really trusted, the first person that I truly loved.
> 
>  
> 
> We were happy. So happy.
> 
>  
> 
> Now it’s November and we aren’t together.

 

Alex wiped the tears from her face and sunk into her blanket. She sat there most of the night going through some of the letters. She couldn’t believe Maggie wrote them for her. She didn’t deserve it, she thought. Her face was burning from her tears as she kept reading.

 

 

> **November 13, 2017**
> 
> Letter #5
> 
> I saw you today.
> 
> I don’t think you saw me but I saw you. I knew it was you from yards away. I felt like the universe knew I missed you. I’m so angry with you but seeing a glimpse of you Alex, gave me some peace. At least for a moment.
> 
> You were walking up the street on Annapolis. It was windy that day and your hair was all over your face. You seemed to be in a hurry so you didn’t bother fixing it. Not that it mattered because you looked beautiful. I wondered where you were going. I wondered what you were thinking about as you walked by yourself. I wondered if you thought of me. I wondered if you missed me the way I miss you.
> 
> I drove right by you and you didn’t see me.
> 
>  

By the time Alex read the sixth letter, she debated to keep on going. Maggie gave her these letters despite her never intending to. These letters were supposed to be forgotten, probably never to be read by anyone other than Maggie. Alex felt like she was invading her privacy, even though Maggie gave her the box for her to read. Yet, she couldn’t stop. She had the key to Maggie’s mind for the past two years.

 

> **November 20, 2017**
> 
> Letter #7
> 
> I miss your smile and I miss the way you laugh. You don’t breathe out when you chuckle, you tend to breathe in and trained me, without knowing, to laugh just like you do. Somehow you will never leave me, for I have lost two of my most important things. I lost my lover and my best friend. I think that’s why it is so terribly hard to stop thinking about how happy I was. I still miss you terribly but having the memories helps me through. Or maybe they’re only making it worse.
> 
> **November 27, 2017**
> 
> Letter #10
> 
> The tears will dry eventually but my heart will still be shattered on the floor, in hopes that maybe you do still want me, but for now I have to come to the cruel realization that I just wasn’t enough to make you want to stay. If I were enough for you…you wouldn’t have given up.

 

 

> **January 15, 2017**
> 
> Letter #16
> 
>  
> 
> Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you. It feels like pure desperation. Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly and I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from? It’s been months. 
> 
>  
> 
> Why do I still do this, even after all this time?   
>  It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again. 
> 
>  
> 
> Even for a single moment. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING! It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
> 
>   
>  But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy.   
>  Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore. It’s not happy, it’s not positive and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
> 
>  
> 
> All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward. 

 

Alex sits still after reading letter #16. She’s in a staring contest with the floor and it’s clear she’s losing. She checks the time, almost 2 hours since Maggie left her apartment. 

 

Alex doesn’t want to continue reading anymore. It kills her to know how much she’s hurt Maggie. She never intended for any of this to happen. She wants to call Maggie and tell her all the ways she’s sorry but she remembered Maggie’s request to finish all the letters before calling. Reading her thoughts from two years ago discouraged her to call anyway. Instead, she falls asleep crying as she reads one more letter.

 

 

> **January 22, 2018**
> 
> Letter #22
> 
>  
> 
> Ever since we broke up, I tried to get you out of my mind. I wanted to forget about you. But the little things got to me. Remember the white daises you gave me when I cried? One tiny daisy. Did you see the bright full moon yesterday? I remembered when you showed me the constellations before the meteor shower.
> 
>  
> 
> It hurt when the memories unconsciously flooded my mind. My heart ached for once more chance to do it all over again. I want to go back in time and see you again. 
> 
>  
> 
> I want to go back with us together again...

* * *

 

Alex blinked her eyes open and wiped the sleep from her eyes. It was Saturday morning and she fell asleep with Maggie’s letters. She cleaned up and put the letters back into their box. She checked her phone and she had 3 missed calls from Kara. Alex forgot about their brunch date. She hurried to get dressed and ran out the door. 

 

“Late night?” Kara said with a smirk. 

 

“Yes, but not the kind you’re thinking” Alex replied fixing herself before sitting. “Maggie came over. She dropped off a box of letters. A hundred letters she wrote to me while we were broken up.” 

 

“What? A hundred letters? She wrote to you?” Kara asked in shock. 

 

Alex continued. “Kara, I spent all night reading them. I fell asleep with her words in my hands. I don’t think she ever intended to give them to me. Her words were so raw and honest. Last night she said if I wanted another chance, she needed me to read them.”

 

“What did they say?”

 

“Mostly her thoughts after the break up. It’s like I have access to everything she felt after. I’m actually surprised that the letters weren’t angry. It makes me feel worse. I wish she were angry with me. It would have been easier for her to get over me if she hated me. But she didn’t. She wrote a hundred letters to tell me how much she loves me. I guess in a way it was like I was still in her life, but I wasn’t.”

 

Kara held out her hand for Alex. She could see the tears start to form in her sister’s eyes. 

 

“What do I do now, Kara? I don’t think I can even look at her in the eye without wanting to die. I caused her so much grief. I don’t deserve another chance.” Alex continued to ramble on. 

 

“She wouldn’t have given you those letters if she didn’t consider the possibility of letting you back in. Yes, you hurt her, but you had your reasons for leaving. The universe brought you back to her. Don’t fight it.” Kara said trying to give her sister some comfort. 

 

“Those reasons don’t seem good enough anymore. I should have never left her.” Alex said shaking her head. 

 

Alex and Kara continued their brunch. They always made time for each other at least once a month despite their busy work schedules. Kara talked about her new girlfriend, Lena and Alex was happy to see her sister doing so well. At least one of them deserved to be happy. 

 

Kara noticed Alex staring into space. She was worried about her. Alex had never been the same since she left Maggie. She didn’t date. She didn’t go out. Alex kept to herself a lot. Women would hit on her and she wouldn’t even give them the time of day. “Are you going to call her?” Kara asked and it shook Alex from her state.  

 

“No, she told me to read all the letters before calling her. I don’t think I should. She’s probably better off without me.”

 

“Alex... You can’t keep beating yourself up for what happened two years ago. Let her letters be a lesson to you. I think deep down, she still wants you. Get the girl and I’ll get the check.” Kara said as she motioned to the waiter for the bill. 

* * *

 

Alex sat on her bed with a cup of coffee and the box of letters. She thought the faster she gets through these letters, the faster she could talk to Maggie. 

 

 

> **February 5, 2018**
> 
> Letter #30
> 
>  
> 
> Someday, I’ll be with you. These months will melt away, and so will all of this uncertainty. Soft kisses will replace midnight phone calls; the brush of my fingertips against your skin will replace this eternal ache of missing you. There will be no more lonely nights, no more fighting, no more breaking hearts, just you and me and peace. 
> 
>  
> 
> Until then, I’ll be dreaming of your return. 
> 
>  
> 
> **February 12, 2018**
> 
> Letter #39
> 
>  
> 
> I could not stop thinking about you, not even on my best days. I miss you, Alex. 
> 
>  
> 
> **March 5, 2018**
> 
> Letter #48
> 
>  
> 
> Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. As time slowly drifts by, I think about you less and less but still from time to time. I wonder if you’re happy or if I ever cross your mind. I wonder if you have ever picked up your phone and attempted to call me during your bursts of emotions or nights of loneliness. Or whether or not you still fall asleep with your arms stretched out, waiting for me to lie on them. I wonder if you look at old photos and hear my laugh. Or hold new hands and think of my fingers running through your palm. I know I still do.
> 
>  
> 
> **April 9, 2018**
> 
> Letter #52
> 
>  
> 
> All signs point to “move the fuck on”, but I can’t. There’s still this shred of hope that exist within me, and I think that’s what’s making me hold on. I know that I’m stubborn and that I should probably let you go, but I just can’t… Not yet anyways.
> 
>  
> 
> **May 21, 2018**
> 
> Letter #59
> 
>  
> 
> I met someone last night. She wasn’t you but she helped me forget about you, at least for the night. She made me feel wanted. It was nice to feel something again. When she kissed me I didn’t think about you. I think she saw right through my painful façade but she didn’t ask questions. 
> 
>  
> 
> I took her home with me but I woke up alone. Why do I feel guilty for sleeping with her? You and I aren’t even together anymore yet I can’t stop feeling bad for being with someone else other than you. You still have my heart, Alex.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **June 11, 2018**
> 
> Letter #64
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you know how truly, remarkably, undeniably in love with you I was, and I really fucking hope you regret letting the one person who loved you despite all you flaws slip right through your fingers.
> 
>  
> 
> **June 25, 2018**
> 
> Letter #68
> 
>  
> 
> We saw each other today. 
> 
>  
> 
> I was having dinner with my colleague and you were at the bar of the restaurant with Kara. 
> 
>  
> 
> Your hair is longer and you looked good. Happy, even. Of all the places in National City, you had to walk into this one. You saw me right away but didn’t stare too long—only long enough for us to lock eyes for a split second. 
> 
>  
> 
> You still have a way of making your presence known when you enter a room. You walked by our table and brushed my arm. I don’t know if you did that on purpose or if it was just your way of acknowledging me but it made me angry. 
> 
>  
> 
> I am doing a terrible job at getting over you. 
> 
>  
> 
> Why do you still have this hold over me? 
> 
>  
> 
> **July 9, 2018**
> 
> Letter #80
> 
>  
> 
> I hope my absence hits you. I hope it hits you so hard that you can never get back up.
> 
>  

The day is almost finished by the time Alex lifts her head back up from reading. Her face was swollen from the tears. She wants to call Maggie but she was only about half way through the box. Alex felt so much guilt and she wished she could take it all back. It took about 60 letters in to finally get to an angry letter. Alex was taken back from the lack of anger in Maggie’s letters. “Why wasn’t she angry?” Alex thought to herself. Alex thought Maggie hated her all this time. Maggie didn’t. It pained Alex to read some of the letters but she deserved every single word Maggie wrote. 

 

>  
> 
> **August 6, 2018**
> 
> Letter #84
> 
>  
> 
> What hurts is that you’re the only one who truly understood. When you looked at me you actually saw me- not the bullshit facade that the world sees. You saw me and you knew me. That’s what I miss the most. I miss being seen.
> 
>  
> 
> **November 5, 2018**
> 
> Letter #89
> 
>  
> 
> Sometimes, it felt as if you were still a part of me. I could feel you, intertwined with my bones. Draped over the muscles of my heart. Injected into my veins.
> 
>  
> 
> Even though you’ve left, physically and whatever emotion we shared is drifting away. Sometimes, the urge to feel you in my arms was so visceral; I swear I could conjure you into existence.
> 
>  
> 
> But today, I listened to a song that I normally don’t listen to. It’s about two lovers whose love is just never enough, how their life is a series of almost’s. And it made me cry, so much, that I just stopped listening to it. I could hear our fights, our tears, our kisses etched into that story. 
> 
>  
> 
> I heard it and what surprised me was the absence of the tears that I’m used to. There was a strange sort of resignation that enveloped me, and the urge to be around you wasn’t so visceral.
> 
>  
> 
> I think I’ll always love you, but between all the times I cried over us and grieving over you not being there anymore – I think I learnt to live without you. 
> 
>  
> 
> **December 3, 2018**
> 
> Letter #92
> 
>  
> 
> You said you just wanted me to be happy, so what on earth was leaving supposed to do? 
> 
>  
> 
> Did you not realize that leaving me would make everything worse? 
> 
>  
> 
> It’s been a year and it still hurts to think about you. I dream about you and I wake up crying. 
> 
>  
> 
> **December 31, 2018**
> 
> Letter #100
> 
>  
> 
> This is my last letter to you, Alex. I’ve spent too many days writing to you. It’s time to let you go. It’s time to stop writing these letters to you.
> 
>  
> 
> I just want you to find someone that will make you happy. Someone that will give you everything you want. You deserve the world and I hope that you’ll never settle for anything less than what you deserve. I hope that you’ll find someone that will lay all of your insecurities to rest and make cold winter nights feel warm. Someone that challenges you, teaches you, and respects you. Someone that understands you to your core, and still loves it despite some flaws here and there. Someone that finds perfection in your imperfections. Someone that you can be unapologetically yourself to. I just want you to be happy.
> 
>  
> 
> Nothing will make me happier than to see you happy, even though I’m not the one giving you that happiness. 
> 
>  
> 
> In a way, I hope the same for myself. I don’t have any New Years resolution, but I am going to try my best to get over you one day at a time. Maybe I won’t be completely over you by the end of next year but hopefully I’ll be a step closer to moving on.
> 
>  
> 
> Goodbye, Alex.
> 
>  

* * *

 

Alex lifted herself from her bed and sat up. She wiped the tears from her eyes. She finished reading all one hundred letters Maggie wrote. She felt like she just relived the past two years in Maggie’s words. She didn’t know what to do with herself and without thinking, pulled a pen and paper from her nightstand and began writing…

 

 

> **December 14, 2019**
> 
>  
> 
> Dear Maggie,
> 
>  
> 
> You showed me the loveliest parts of you, the most vulnerable ones. Ones you’ve probably only shown the truest people in your life. I’m glad I was once one of those people. I learned from you what it means to give your all to someone. What it means to plant your seeds inside someone, to watch them bloom. 
> 
>  
> 
> I learned what true pain it could be when you watch the winter roll over and the flowers inside of you begin to wilt. Most of all, I learned what it meant to be in love. I learned the kind of person I am when I become truly engrossed in someone, and what the word regret means. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please believe me when I tell you that I do not regret falling in love with you, I do not regret the memories we will forever share, but I regret letting you go. 
> 
>  
> 
> I still love you, I always will. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please don’t go away. I hope I’m not too late.

 

Alex puts the paper down and reaches for her phone and begins to call Maggie. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Should I continue this story, or end it as a one-shot? Let me know if you want me to continue this story.


End file.
